Today began as a day to spend with me and Steph! But then it just plain made more sense for you to spend some time with Grandmom and get good one on one attention while Steph and I did things for the wedding. Below you will find pictures of you being enjoyed by Grandmom, an attempted nap, and my need to make all the flowers for the wedding RIGHT NOW...which lead to you and Steph cuddling and watching Atlantis on repeat, and me coming in and checking on you two every few completed flower collections.
Truth be told you STILL don't seem like the child of a Mom who is neglectfully DIYing a wedding. Even still, I fully support this month being discussed in your eventual therapy. I almost want to put an asterix next to each of the prep days...
While we're on the topic of disappointment and disapproval... It seems noteworthy that this wedding has brought out serious emotions in some people. Without going unnecessarily into details that ultimately won't shape much of your opinions...there are people - good people (they certainly try to be, anyway) - who are not behind Steph and I as a couple for one reason or another. Reasons range from sarcasm to sexuality, and, sadly, even include what we may some day boil down to our own fears and insecurities in telling people truths about ourselves that we're scared they don't want to hear. In response to all of these, the feelings and lessons I have to offer are largely the same... We're, all of us, imperfect. It's actually what I like about people...even though I desperately and even pathologically try to fight it in myself. The vast majority of us are trying to do the right thing. A lot of times we get it wrong...get self righteous and are so blinded by our fears or the long drop down from our high horses that we can't even see we're part of the problem. Why am I rambling like this? In part, because I am positive that a sensitive creature such as you must be aware of the tensions and shifts in moods of the last few months. Today, one of the shifts which we had settled in to moved some more...unexpectedly, and in a pretty disappointing direction. I doubt we were able to successfully shield you from such a movement, even though the characters involved don't have very much relevance in your life. The other part of my reasoning is bigger. Even if life weren't pretty seriously booby trapped (that can't be the spelling...but, ya know...boobies.) with difficulty and sadness, we have you set up for some potentially big ones. You're a multi-racial Jewish son of butch lesbian white gals. While privileged compared to many, you're not going to be able to easily buy your way out of much, and unfortunately, you're going to be judged against all of that. It's super hard to know that. In the hard moments, we're (Steph and I are) trying to live a life in which we hold that none of us are perfect. We try to hold that we're all at least trying to try our best. We don't have to like the ways that other people are acting or the things that they believe, but we don't want to let our dislikes change who we are in the face of them. It is one of my deepest hopes that whatever pieces of inappropriate data you receive (hearing fights...hearing conversations about people who aren't being all that nice...etc...) you are also hearing compassion and integrity.
Oh rambly rambly post...I wonder if they ever make sense outside of my head. Shall we end, instead, on how 15 days from your fourth birthday I'm refusing to acknowledge what number I should be rounding to and instead have dressed you in your 'three' shirt? My BABY! :)
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